What’s wrong with me?

“What’s wrong with me?” is a question I ask myself everyday. If I look back on how I used to feel the way I feel now is completely different. My illness has changed and I don’t know into what. It’s like when you see something everyday and you don’t notice any change then when you stop looking for a while all of a sudden its unfamiliar and different yet the same. I don’t know if that makes any sense to anyone but that’s the best way I can describe it. I cant put together words that fully explain the complexity of what is going on inside me. My Doctor and Therapist think I may have Borderline Personality Disorder and that I’m drug resistant, but they aren’t positive so I’m being sent to a psychiatrist. In the past few months I’ve been on 6 different medications; Lexapro, Zoloft, Wellbutrin, Pristiq, Manerix, and Clonazepam. All together in the past few years I’ve been on  7 with Prozac. Nothing works. They can change the dosage, or the drug and I’d feel the same. Of course I feel something but almost like its working just not in the right spot if that makes sense. I don’t know, you can probably tell I’m having hard time explaining all of this. The worst part is not knowing what’s wrong with me. Before when they said I had depression and anxiety I upset but was able to accept it but this is different. This is a different monster all together. I feel it growing inside me slowly consuming me from the inside out. It cripples me. I thought I was bad before, but boy was I wrong. I keep trying to surround myself with the things I love and make me happy, art, movies, books, work, and removing stress but nothing works. It makes me feel even worse to be honest. The things that helped me get out of these low points push me down further because they don’t even take the edge off. If I knew what was wrong with me I could try and fix it but I don’t and its killing me. I just want to know, what’s wrong with me?