i don’t work like that.

I’m constantly told that I need to let go of the bad that’s happened to me in order to move forward and be happy. That frustrates me more than ever. Don’t get me wrong I’ve tried and tired but its a lot harder then you think. The more I think about it the more I don’t think it’s a realistic option for me. It’s easy to focus on the good that’s happened when your good to bad day ratio is a healthy balance. Everyone has their fair share of shit days but if you look back on life can you say you had more good days then bad? I can’t. I’m not just saying that either because I’m in a shitty place mentally, I actually mean I have had more shitty says in the past 20 years then good days where I’ve been truly happy. Its sad but it’s just how my life has unfolded. Take a step back and you should come to the same conclusion that your experiences, emotions, people, and life events have shaped who you are as a person, the good and the bad. What happens when your like me? What happens if the shitty days and shitty experiences made me into the person I am and this miserable, mentally ill, and emotionally fucked up person doesn’t just have a mental illness but is who I’ve developed into as a person? What if it made me my disorder. What if my name isn’t Mac what if its Anxiety and Depression? I have known nothing else but what it feels to be completely alone and living in my head. I try to change my mind set of it and not make everything seem so bleak and doomy but its hard to see the light when you never even leave your bed. The more I write what I feel I start to believe I’m a whole hell of a lot more dramatic than I am poetic in expressing my deepest thoughts. That could also be the Social Anxiety creeping out of me like a nasty habit when I think about publishing this blog.